on vulnerability and the challenge to love yourself. regardless.

Womanist.…Loves music. Loves dance. Loves the moon. Loves the Spirit. Loves love and food and roundness. Loves struggle. Loves the Folk. Loves herself. Regardless.

-A. Walker

What does it mean to show up as your whole self? Is it possible to truly be free? What would it look like if we lived and worked in spaces where we all could just be?

When I transitioned from being a classroom teacher to an administrator, I was challenged to let go of my practice of perfectionism. This feedback launched me into a time of reflection on how I had been showing up. I thought about why I felt like I had to present as if I always had it figured out. I reflected on why I very seldom asked for help, even when I desperately needed it. I considered why it made my heart race to think of the idea of saying to someone, “I don’t know.”

There are many reasons why I did not feel safe enough to not present myself as perfect. My entire life I have been expected to have it all together. While people may have or may not have said that to me explicitly, this is how I was socialized. I am a Black woman, who grew up in spaces where I was often the only one. I was reminded often, in various ways, of how the world might perceive me as I moved through it. I would need to be a certain way as a result. It was not lost on me that if I hadn’t spoken the way I had, worked to achieve the way I had, and showed up as that version of myself; I might not have even received the promotion that had prompted this feedback.

As a leader and coach, it is important to me that I create spaces where folks feel safe with being their whole selves. I want them to be able to share what they are thinking, feeling, and deciding. I want them to be able to do this without reservation and that they can feel seen when they do. I invite people to honestly share who they are and what they are thinking at any given moment. I find that facilitating an opportunity for this type of vulnerability is a difficult ask. The reluctance I experience makes me wonder if my invitation to what I perceive as one way to live free, is important to our work. Whenever I question whether or not vulnerability is an opportunity for women of color in leadership, I think about the kind of workspaces I know are possible.

Leaders should want to facilitate a community of people who know that they are valued, seen, and cared for. In this type of environment, all people can be free. For too long, women of color, have had to mold themselves to the existing culture. Cultures that are often informed by whiteness. As we conform, twist, turn, bend, attempt to say the right things, figure it out alone, and ignore our spirit; there are times when we may lose ourselves. We tell ourselves that we must be perfect, achieve a particular goal, say a certain thing, say it a certain way, or there must be something ‘wrong’ within ourselves. We move through spaces feeling unseen. This is not the kind of environment where we can sustain, let alone thrive.

I tell myself that I can no longer try to be perfect at work. In my attempt to be free, I allow myself to be confused, tired, angry, excited, hurt, intelligent, passionate, silly, and confident. I share what is on my mind freely. I attempt to act in ways that align with what I value. I make mistakes. I feel successful. I can also say that I do not always feel safe to do so. Yet I work to be my whole self, regardless.

To this day, whenever I feel the urge to take action or speak up in my gut, I do it. Even though, I may be nervous or unsure of the result. I often rehearse what I want to say and think about whether it was the right decision for days afterward. I often feel alone and unheard. The more vulnerable I am, the more it seems like there aren’t enough people prepared with the skills to support me through whatever is happening or reinforce my vulnerability. I mention this because I know that as women of color work to get free inside workplaces that are not built with them in mind, it can feel hard. There is still much work to do and I remain hopeful.

The cost of organizational leaders missing out on the opportunity to shift to ways of being that foster vulnerability for women of color is great. We are being pushed out of leadership. We are moving through spaces as people not connected to our spirit. At its worst, as a result of a lifetime of being invisible and used, we are killing ourselves. The weight of unfreedom can feel too heavy to continue working and living.

I hope that Black women can continue to connect with spirit. “We must fearlessly pull out of ourselves and look at and identify with our lives the living creativity some of our great-grandmothers were not allowed to know.” (Walker, p.237). I hope that we can see that challenging ourselves to be whole in all spaces, is another way we love deeply. We are enough, already. It is the responsibility of those of us who lead to create organizational cultures that acknowledge this too.

In Solidarity,

Dr. LeAnna Alicia Majors

References:

Alice Walker. (1983). In Search of Our Mothers Gardens., pg. 237